Teaching...WOW! By far the hardest thing I have ever done. Honestly, right now I don't like it. I don't like it because it has drained every ounce of energy I have. School is always on my mind and it makes me nervous. It makes me physically ill. I can't eat, I can't sleep...I can only keep working and doing my best. I wish I could blow teaching off. I wish it wasn't such a big deal to me. Teaching IS a big deal to me though. I feel so responsible for all those precious little lives, even the ones who drive me crazy! I want to help them be better people.
I know I am making a difference. I KNOW I am. I had a student tell me she loved me today, and I KNOW she does. She is autistic and never talks to one other person in class, but she loves me. She is by my side no matter what I am doing. She is calling my name every time I get a few feet away, and I know she loves me because I give her the chance to be who she is, and she is wonderful!
I know I make a difference when the kids ask if they can stay with me all year, and next year too. I know I make a difference when they say it is their favorite class. I know when we are learning, and laughing, and having fun...I DO make a difference, but is it worth it?
That may sound like a selfish question. If you know how much of a difference you make, how can you ask if it is worth it? In the midst of tummy rumblings, sleepy, teary eyed nights, lesson plans, and hundreds of emails though, I do wonder. I wonder if I can stay strong enough to do it. I feel like I am not happy, I feel like I am not a good enough wife...I just feel spent. How much can I keep giving when I hear "this is dumb!" or "I hate this song!" when I have spent all night trying to prepare a great lesson?
I am on the job 3 days and I want to jump ship? Really, I probably just need to cut myself a break and realize that I am learning as I go. It is so hard though. So hard. I have prayed more the past 3 school days than I have my whole life. Maybe that is what God wanted all along. For me to give up and just heed the calling of tending His flock. Tend and mend. Tend and mend. Please pray for me friends. Long, hard, beautiful days ahead!
