Where My Heart Dwells

My heart dwells in the little things,
In crooked smiles and the bird that sings.
Where my heart rests is slow and free,
Lazy jazz records and sips of tea.

My soul lingers where there is justice and sun,
Yet my life, my life is no longer for one.
For when you came near and invaded my space
I waded into such a perfect place.

You sat on my couch.
You lounged in my arms,
And loved with a love to do no harm,
But to coddle me and to make me stay.
To believe I could live in such a way
That I could open my heart and spread some room
For this timid bud to bloom.

Almost a Mrs.

I can't believe it. In less than 2 weeks I will be married. My life will completely change. I have so many thoughts, so many fears, and hopes, and dreams. People keep asking me if I'm "ready to get married." Perhaps not. There are infinite wedding thoughts buzzing through my mind at all times. There are invitations I have forgotten to send, crafts I need to finish, food and flowers to be picked up, napkins to be decided on...the list continues. Yet at the same time it seems as if June 1st cannot come soon enough. I am ready to be married.

It is such an honor to be united with your best friend and soul mate- to start a family and a legacy that will last forever. The Lord has been so sublimely good to give me this gift of a man. I truly cannot understand how or why Tate chose to love me. I know I can get distraught, moody, and anxious..even grouchy,  I am glad I can be grouchy around him sometimes, and he still loves me.  He is always trying to make me happy even when I don't know why I am sad. He encourages my creativity, and supports even my most fanciful dreams. He sees me in a way I wish I could see myself. I wish every woman knew this kind of love.

Our journey hasn't always been an easy one though. We are so much alike. Both of us have a crippling fear of expressing any negative emotion toward the other. Both of us get moody, confused, tired, doubtful. We are so doubtful of ourselves. We lack that initiative, that drive, that striving for status- we would rather snuggle and listen to records. Sometimes not a whole lot gets done. Sometimes I cry for no reason. Sometimes we both cry.

I remember meeting Tate and thinking how handsome and funny he was (even more so to me now.)  I tried so many things to get his attention. I baked cookies, drew pictures, sat by him in class, formed study groups in hopes he would attend, and even wore my best yoga pants on days we had classes together (I did not yet love him enough to wear real pants). I remember being so excited the first time HE waited for ME after class to walk me to my car. I remember our first lunch date, the dress I was wearing, and the fist bump he gave me afterwards. I remember the first time we texted. The first time we kissed. The first time he told me he loved me.

Even with all of the good things one thing I can never forget is the waiting...waiting...waiting. I waited so long for him to ask me to be his girlfriend, so long for that first kiss. It seemed like years, but I was engaged to him in less than 10 months. Thrilled to be engaged! Thrilled to wedding plan! Thrilled to become a wife...Now the wait is over. The day is almost here. Is it absurd to be afraid to leave this waiting game? I have been waiting my whole life for this day and it is almost here.

Sometimes I am afraid that I won't be a good wife. I have become so independent over the years. What if I cannot get over this divine invasion of my life? What if I am a let down? What if I can't keep the house clean?  It blows my mind that a man will be living with me. It freaks me out a little. I never had any brothers. I need my space. I brood if I cannot have space. I become irritable. My creativity clots and dies in my brain.

There is a part of me that thought I could only live a romance doomed to tragedy; that a true artist never settles down and is happy. Yet today I became cured a little. And do you know why? One day without him. One day without cell phone service. Once day of missing him so much that it hurt. He went away on his bachelor party trip and I can barely handle it. I am counting down the hours until he returns home tomorrow. I never want to spend another day away from him, and no matter how scary the thought of  being with him is, the thought of being without him is utterly impossible.