Expectations Vs. Reality

My whole life I have tried so hard to make everyone happy. I was so worried about what would happen if I failed, and what people would think. I am tired of always feeling guilty like I could "be better" or "do more." The truth is, I can't. I've let all these needless burdens wear me down so much that I am physically not even healthy enough to get done what I need to do for myself. I don't want to be resentful of all the people I try so hard to help. I just need time to take care of me and time to think about what I want to do to make life better for me.
This has always been the struggle. The expectations that I am "sweet" and "smart" and "talented" and "godly." To the outside I have everything going for me. I always have. I have an amazing family. I grew up in a loving and Christian home. I have a great job, adoring husband, and friends that would take a bullet for me. So, from day 1 I was expected to succeed, and I thank my parents and God for the many successes that I have had. Please understand, it is not my intention to complain...my life has been blessed beyond measure. Anyone would be lucky to be me.
If there is one thing I could take away from my life though it would be the "fear." I feel a constant anxiety that I am not living up to everyone's expectations. I have worked so hard to please those that I love but there is a nagging sense guilt that never leaves the back of my mind. A stream of mild urgency that gushes lies like "You should have been kinder. You need to wake up earlier. You are gaining weight. You are a lousy teacher. Why can't you do this? Your house is messy, you are a let down. You need to fix your hair. You should have more energy. You could do more. You don't serve enough, you are selfish. You should read your Bible more. You need to call your friends. If you quit this job you are a failure. You should be able to handle this. You wasted money on that..." I take on these negative thoughts like little weights. Each one, a small burden to shoulder for the day. I heap on my back all the expectations of: daughter, friend, wife, teacher, sister, Christian, American, middle class. Woman.
Yet that is not all. I truly feel like I was put on this Earth to help people. I serve God though service to others. He must have written it on my face as well as my heart. Wherever I go, whoever I am with, people open up to me. I don't know why-it is like I am a magnet for people who are hurting or just need someone to talk to, and I am empathetic to that. When someone tells me their story, I hurt with them. I long to help them in whatever way I can, even if it just to listen. But it is not always easy- if I can, I try to pick up their burden too... until it all becomes too much.
Being a teacher has not been good for me. Teaching puts people like myself under the grinding pressure of perfection. I want my lesson plans to be the best they can be, I want perfect evaluations, I want my students to behave properly, I want to follow through with all district policies, I want to adhere to common core standards, I want to volunteer for extra duties, I want to fix every problem of every kid who walks through my door, and I want to do it all while maintaining a perfect home, cooking homemade dinners, having a great love life, keeping up with all me friends and being spiritually fulfilled. Oh, and I want to be energetic, cheerful, and look like a model while doing it.
*Sigh* it is exhausting and ,honestly, it has turned into a huge mess.I don't want to let my friends and family down, I don't want to let my fellow faculty members down, I don't want to let myself down. What I want is to be happy. Is that so wrong?

The First Days of School

Teaching...WOW! By far the hardest thing I have ever done. Honestly, right now I don't like it. I don't like it because it has drained every ounce of energy I have. School is always on my mind and it makes me nervous. It makes me physically ill. I can't eat, I can't sleep...I can only keep working and doing my best. I wish I could blow teaching off. I wish it wasn't such a big deal to me. Teaching IS a big deal to me though. I feel so responsible for all those precious little lives, even the ones who drive me crazy! I want to help them be better people.

 I know I am making a difference. I KNOW I am. I had a student tell me she loved me today, and I KNOW she does. She is autistic and never talks to one other person in class, but she loves me. She is by my side no matter what I am doing. She is calling my name every time I get a few feet away, and I know she loves me because I give her the chance to be who she is, and she is wonderful!

I know I make a difference when the kids ask if they can stay with me all year, and next year too. I know I make a difference when they say it is their favorite class. I know when we are learning, and laughing, and having fun...I DO make a difference, but is it worth it?

That may sound like a selfish question. If you know how much of a difference you make, how can you ask if it is worth it? In the midst of tummy rumblings, sleepy, teary eyed nights, lesson plans, and hundreds of emails though, I do wonder. I wonder if I can stay strong enough to do it. I feel like I am not happy, I feel like I am not a good enough wife...I just feel spent. How much can I keep giving when I hear "this is dumb!" or "I hate this song!" when I have spent all night trying to prepare a great lesson?

I am on the job 3 days and I want to jump ship? Really, I probably just need to cut myself a break and realize that I am learning as I go. It is so hard though. So hard. I have prayed more the past 3 school days than I have my whole life. Maybe that is what God wanted all along. For me to give up and just heed the calling of tending His flock. Tend and mend. Tend and mend. Please pray for me friends. Long, hard, beautiful days ahead!

Wedding Tips From a Newlywed

Well, I did it! After months of hard work I finally got hitched. I would have done most of the things in my wedding the same, but some things I would have changed. I thought I might share some thoughts/advice for you non-marrieds who are looking to join the party.

5 Wedding Tips From a Newlywed:

1.) Go with what YOU want. While it is important to be flexible this is one day when you need to think about what you really want and plan accordingly. You don't want to look back on your big day with regret.

              For example: A lot of our family members tried to talk Tate and I out of having a morning/brunch wedding, but we stuck to our guns! I didn't want to spend all day getting anxious and running around so I opted for an 11:00 am wedding. I am so glad we stuck with it. We just got everything decorated and ordered ahead of time...then woke up, got dressed, got married, and started the honeymoon early. The clean up crew also said it made things much easier on them.

2.) Look Beyond the "Wedding" Label.  While you may have to get creative, looking past typical "wedding" items can save you a lot of money. Plus, your wedding will be uniquely you!

             For example: Instead of a typical wedding cake my aunts, grandma, and mom each made bunt cakes! We had a lot of flavors to choose from and in all shapes and sizes. We even put little flags in them that told what each kind was. I also elected to order my bridesmaid dresses online from Target. It was SO much cheaper than going to a bridal store.

3.) Be a Budget Diva. I am a budget master, so why would my wedding be any different? Trust me, you are not going to regret the money you save! My parents and in-laws were footing the bill and they were so impressed by my hard work, and really grateful that I was thinking about them.

                Top Budget Savers:  

• My Dress: I bought online at Dillards. I got my dream dress for pennies on the dollar and only had to have a few, cheap, alterations done...like adding straps.
• Outfitting the wedding party: I got the bridesmaid's dresses at Target. I simply searched for the colors I wanted and picked out similar styles. All the dresses were under $30. I also saved big on jewelry by ordering all of it from Forever 21. I even created a Pinterest board. of the dresses and jewelry I liked and let my bridesmaids choose what they wanted.
• DIY: If you can do it, do it! I am pretty crafty so most of the decorations in my wedding were DIY. There are plenty of tutorials online to make just about whatever you have in mind. I even made all of my own floral decorations! Most of my crafting supplies came from Hobby Lobby. Be sure to watch for their sales and coupons. Most of my crafting ideas came from Craft Gawker. 
• Venues: Using my parents' church for the ceremony was a no-brainer. They hardly charged us at all because we are members and everyone was so kind and helpful! Plus, it is: large, weather-proof, has ample parking, and is handicapped accessible. I also used the neighboring town's community center for the reception- Mustang Town Center. We had a few issues, but for the most part we felt like it was reasonably priced.
• Catering: Even if your favorite place has expensive catering, don't discard it! I love Panera Bread, but their catering was a little pricey. I decided to order the sandwich, fruit trays, and drinks from Homeland and only order bagels and cream cheese from Panera. It worked out great.
• Flowers: I made the bridesmaids' bouquets myself  using high-quality fake flowers, and orderd fresh flowers from Sam's Club for the decorations and centerpieces. 
• Groupons: We weren't even going to have a photo booth, but Groupon had such a great deal on one that we rented one. I am so glad we did!

4.) Use Your Friends and Family. Trust me, they want to help you...let them! My friends and family helped me so much throughout the wedding process. If they have talents, put them to work! Literally, all I had to do was ask.

           *side note: If you do ask, be specific. Let them know just what you want so that there isn't any confusion later. I was not specific enough with my mom on a few things and this caused some minor drama/hurt feelings/panic/seemingly ungratefulness. Let your helpers know exactly what you want and exactly when you want it done.*

5.) Plan Ahead, but be Flexible. As I said earlier I did most of my own crafts so I started working on that as soon as I got engaged. DIY is time consuming. Pinterest helps keep of your ideas...be sure tutorials are included!
             An Example of Being Flexible: About a month before our wedding our venue called and told us that the city had unexpectedly started construction on our reserved room. The beautiful windows were all covered in bare drywall. We had already printed the invitations and there was no time to change plans, so we decided to go up the day before and decorate and cover up as much of the construction as possible. During the middle of our decorating tornadoes began to hit the area. We had to evacuate and spend the evening in a cramped storm shelter. By morning we did not know if the venue was still intact or had power. Luckily it was and did! I rallied the troops and sent out a facebook and text messages asking for help. Aunts, cousins, and friends all woke up early and finished the decorating while I was getting ready. It looked so beautiful! I am very grateful for them. :-)

Where My Heart Dwells

My heart dwells in the little things,
In crooked smiles and the bird that sings.
Where my heart rests is slow and free,
Lazy jazz records and sips of tea.

My soul lingers where there is justice and sun,
Yet my life, my life is no longer for one.
For when you came near and invaded my space
I waded into such a perfect place.

You sat on my couch.
You lounged in my arms,
And loved with a love to do no harm,
But to coddle me and to make me stay.
To believe I could live in such a way
That I could open my heart and spread some room
For this timid bud to bloom.

Almost a Mrs.

I can't believe it. In less than 2 weeks I will be married. My life will completely change. I have so many thoughts, so many fears, and hopes, and dreams. People keep asking me if I'm "ready to get married." Perhaps not. There are infinite wedding thoughts buzzing through my mind at all times. There are invitations I have forgotten to send, crafts I need to finish, food and flowers to be picked up, napkins to be decided on...the list continues. Yet at the same time it seems as if June 1st cannot come soon enough. I am ready to be married.

It is such an honor to be united with your best friend and soul mate- to start a family and a legacy that will last forever. The Lord has been so sublimely good to give me this gift of a man. I truly cannot understand how or why Tate chose to love me. I know I can get distraught, moody, and anxious..even grouchy,  I am glad I can be grouchy around him sometimes, and he still loves me.  He is always trying to make me happy even when I don't know why I am sad. He encourages my creativity, and supports even my most fanciful dreams. He sees me in a way I wish I could see myself. I wish every woman knew this kind of love.

Our journey hasn't always been an easy one though. We are so much alike. Both of us have a crippling fear of expressing any negative emotion toward the other. Both of us get moody, confused, tired, doubtful. We are so doubtful of ourselves. We lack that initiative, that drive, that striving for status- we would rather snuggle and listen to records. Sometimes not a whole lot gets done. Sometimes I cry for no reason. Sometimes we both cry.

I remember meeting Tate and thinking how handsome and funny he was (even more so to me now.)  I tried so many things to get his attention. I baked cookies, drew pictures, sat by him in class, formed study groups in hopes he would attend, and even wore my best yoga pants on days we had classes together (I did not yet love him enough to wear real pants). I remember being so excited the first time HE waited for ME after class to walk me to my car. I remember our first lunch date, the dress I was wearing, and the fist bump he gave me afterwards. I remember the first time we texted. The first time we kissed. The first time he told me he loved me.

Even with all of the good things one thing I can never forget is the waiting...waiting...waiting. I waited so long for him to ask me to be his girlfriend, so long for that first kiss. It seemed like years, but I was engaged to him in less than 10 months. Thrilled to be engaged! Thrilled to wedding plan! Thrilled to become a wife...Now the wait is over. The day is almost here. Is it absurd to be afraid to leave this waiting game? I have been waiting my whole life for this day and it is almost here.

Sometimes I am afraid that I won't be a good wife. I have become so independent over the years. What if I cannot get over this divine invasion of my life? What if I am a let down? What if I can't keep the house clean?  It blows my mind that a man will be living with me. It freaks me out a little. I never had any brothers. I need my space. I brood if I cannot have space. I become irritable. My creativity clots and dies in my brain.

There is a part of me that thought I could only live a romance doomed to tragedy; that a true artist never settles down and is happy. Yet today I became cured a little. And do you know why? One day without him. One day without cell phone service. Once day of missing him so much that it hurt. He went away on his bachelor party trip and I can barely handle it. I am counting down the hours until he returns home tomorrow. I never want to spend another day away from him, and no matter how scary the thought of  being with him is, the thought of being without him is utterly impossible.

DIY Smoothie Packs

Hello friends and fellow smoothie lovers! I love a refreshing and energizing smoothie after work, but am always so tired and don't feel like making a mess in the kitchen. Here is a little trick that makes my life much easier: DIY smoothie packs!

1.) Spoon yogurt into silicone molds or ice cube trays and freeze for at least two hours (I think that the silicone molds are much easier to get the cubes out of).

2.) While the yogurt is freezing, wash and chop your produce.

3.) Un-mold frozen yogurt cubes and divide cubes and produce evenly and place into individual Ziploc bags.

4.) Place filled bags into the freezer until ready to use

 (I love my single serving, portable Hamilton Beach blender!)

 5.) Dump the frozen contents into the smoothie maker.

6.) Fill with milk.

7.) Blend and enjoy!