My whole life I have tried so hard to make everyone happy. I was so worried about what would happen if I failed, and what people would think. I am tired of always feeling guilty like I could "be better" or "do more." The truth is, I can't. I've let all these needless burdens wear me down so much that I am physically not even healthy enough to get done what I need to do for myself. I don't want to be resentful of all the people I try so hard to help. I just need time to take care of me and time to think about what I want to do to make life better for me.
This has always been the struggle. The expectations that I am "sweet" and "smart" and "talented" and "godly." To the outside I have everything going for me. I always have. I have an amazing family. I grew up in a loving and Christian home. I have a great job, adoring husband, and friends that would take a bullet for me. So, from day 1 I was expected to succeed, and I thank my parents and God for the many successes that I have had. Please understand, it is not my intention to complain...my life has been blessed beyond measure. Anyone would be lucky to be me.
If there is one thing I could take away from my life though it would be the "fear." I feel a constant anxiety that I am not living up to everyone's expectations. I have worked so hard to please those that I love but there is a nagging sense guilt that never leaves the back of my mind. A stream of mild urgency that gushes lies like "You should have been kinder. You need to wake up earlier. You are gaining weight. You are a lousy teacher. Why can't you do this? Your house is messy, you are a let down. You need to fix your hair. You should have more energy. You could do more. You don't serve enough, you are selfish. You should read your Bible more. You need to call your friends. If you quit this job you are a failure. You should be able to handle this. You wasted money on that..." I take on these negative thoughts like little weights. Each one, a small burden to shoulder for the day. I heap on my back all the expectations of: daughter, friend, wife, teacher, sister, Christian, American, middle class. Woman.
Yet that is not all. I truly feel like I was put on this Earth to help people. I serve God though service to others. He must have written it on my face as well as my heart. Wherever I go, whoever I am with, people open up to me. I don't know why-it is like I am a magnet for people who are hurting or just need someone to talk to, and I am empathetic to that. When someone tells me their story, I hurt with them. I long to help them in whatever way I can, even if it just to listen. But it is not always easy- if I can, I try to pick up their burden too... until it all becomes too much.
Being a teacher has not been good for me. Teaching puts people like myself under the grinding pressure of perfection. I want my lesson plans to be the best they can be, I want perfect evaluations, I want my students to behave properly, I want to follow through with all district policies, I want to adhere to common core standards, I want to volunteer for extra duties, I want to fix every problem of every kid who walks through my door, and I want to do it all while maintaining a perfect home, cooking homemade dinners, having a great love life, keeping up with all me friends and being spiritually fulfilled. Oh, and I want to be energetic, cheerful, and look like a model while doing it.
*Sigh* it is exhausting and ,honestly, it has turned into a huge mess.I don't want to let my friends and family down, I don't want to let my fellow faculty members down, I don't want to let myself down. What I want is to be happy. Is that so wrong?
